.Three.

I wish I had something interesting to blog about tonight. I feel like rambling on about funny/interesting things that happened to me, but I just can't find it in myself. I've been writing more in my journal lately and made a "secret" entry in case I die. It has a few choice words for a few choice people. I try not to curse myself by doing things like that, but I would rather be prepared.

Whenever I make an entry in the middle (I guess the secrets out) of my journal or on a random page it reminds me of when I was little. I used to hide my wallets in crazy places or put notes around the house that I thought I would find when I was in my twenties. I suppose the kids that live there now may have found them. Either way, I would always forget where I put the damn things. I lost about 5 dollars in the trees in our backyards. 5 bucks was a lot back then and with the way the economy is going, may be a lot soon again.

There are lots of people that have touched my life. I'm very uncomfortable about being emotional around people. I try to stay out of emotional situations and usually end up crying if I'm really mad at someone. I try to keep the horrible things I'm thinking tucked down deep inside of me which intern makes me cry. Lots of people in my life have meant a great deal to me and have no idea I suppose since I can't seem to say anything heartfelt without becoming so uncomfortable I have to vomit. This is where writing helps.

It's very strange to live with and love someone who is in touch with themselves. David is very honest about everything going on to himself and to everyone around him. I, on the other hand, am honest about it to myself but in total denial to all people who are interested or involved. I believe that I repressed these feelings for so long, that I either no longer feel them or that I can no long show an expression for them. I feel like I'm doing something wrong when I get excited about something or someone.

I've been thinking about it a lot since I have a wedding coming up. I HATE being the center of attention. It's hard enough to be open and honest about my feelings and will be even harder when people are watching. This is when inappropriate things are said. I make jokes when things are serious and laugh when things are not at all meant to be laughed about. It happens all too often at funerals. Maybe it's like a tick.

Sometimes this comes in handy. When I go to the doctors office and I am forced to be inches from another being, I say random things to them. Usually its a bad joke about what they are reading or why they are there or why I am there. We get to talking, I make up some random story about my life that is never true, tell them about the job I don't have and the life I don't live and the I go into my room for my check up. As long as I know the conversation will be short and sweet and I don't feel compelled to be honest about what's going on in my actual life, I'm grand. I thought maybe it was a confidence thing at first, but I really don't think that's it anymore. I've come to the conclusion (for now) that I really hate peoples input on how I should do things. I rarely ever take advice from anyone anymore. For the longest time I would take advice from everyone who offered and all it got me into was a hole I couldn't get out of. When I talk to people and tell them how hard it is to pay the bills, or get things done, or how I feel like I should go back to school or whatever the case may be... I'm just bitching. I don't want advice. I don't want you to tell me how you would do it differently. I just want a simple "well, that sucks." I avoid telling people things that are going on in life so that I can avoid the advice.

I'm just rambling now. I don't know why I started writing, or what I'm writing about... so it's time to get off. Thank you and goodnight.

.Two.

This is a post from my facebook. I think its quite pleasing, so I'm posting it for everyone on here...

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I have a sleeping disorder. Lately, it's been to the point where I can't get to sleep until... oh I'd say 4-5 am and them I'm up and running around 10 or 11. I know that's still a decent amount of sleep, but I believe it is the daylight sleeping to night time sleeping ratio that is effecting my life.

I watch a lot of commercials - I don't believe there is a lick of good television on after 11pm - and often find myself settling for something like Roseanne, MTVs "I can't believe I'm Gay"- Flip this House- or some other lame television that is meant to waste our lives. Getting to the point... this sleep number thing is looking better and better by the night. 

It all started with an episode of Family Guy. I forced myself to sit through the commercial because I didn't know where the remote was and Family Guy was coming back on. Once the remote was back in hand, the following night, I decided to venture off into other television worlds while the commercial was on. To my surprise the SAME sleep number commercial was on 6 of the 50 or so channels I flipped through. I decided to count the number of times I saw this commercial come on in a three hour television watching binge. The finally tally? 23. I may have counted it two times here and there seeing as how each commercial lasts and ungodly amount of time. 

More of today... I hate Sleep Number commercials. I am starting to believe the government is watching my every move and forcibly pushing this product on people. 

Next weeks topic... Luminess Air. The air brush make up you can do yourself!

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The post for luminess air has not been completed due to extreme procrastination... or life retardation if you will. 

.One.

        Just like every other night... it's 1am and I am still awake. It's not because I have too much to do, or that I slept in all day, or that there is something worth staying up to watch on television, but it is simply because my mind is wondering. I'm currently looking up other words for clean. I intend to increase my vocabulary, but the likelihood that it will happen is not very good.

        I once kept a thesaurus in my bathroom for a year and read it every time I was taking a bath, or taking care of business. I found it very interesting and tried to use a new word everyday. This,  however, came to backfire on me when I would get the definitions confused. I don't usually look up words anymore, but tonight I am. 

        When an idea enters my mind I automatically imagine the finished product of what I am thinking about. Let's use "I should vacuum tomorrow". I imagine taking everything off my carpet and vacuuming every square inch of my house. If I did that I would have to clean my counters and put everything on the counters away. If I'm going to put everything away, I might as well go through it and get rid of a few things. I better go through all my drawers, too. If I'm going to go through my drawers, I better get a few things to organize the drawers. The next day I wake up too tired to do much of anything because I spent the previous night planning outrageous things to do. AHHHHHHHHHH!!!