.Three.

I wish I had something interesting to blog about tonight. I feel like rambling on about funny/interesting things that happened to me, but I just can't find it in myself. I've been writing more in my journal lately and made a "secret" entry in case I die. It has a few choice words for a few choice people. I try not to curse myself by doing things like that, but I would rather be prepared.

Whenever I make an entry in the middle (I guess the secrets out) of my journal or on a random page it reminds me of when I was little. I used to hide my wallets in crazy places or put notes around the house that I thought I would find when I was in my twenties. I suppose the kids that live there now may have found them. Either way, I would always forget where I put the damn things. I lost about 5 dollars in the trees in our backyards. 5 bucks was a lot back then and with the way the economy is going, may be a lot soon again.

There are lots of people that have touched my life. I'm very uncomfortable about being emotional around people. I try to stay out of emotional situations and usually end up crying if I'm really mad at someone. I try to keep the horrible things I'm thinking tucked down deep inside of me which intern makes me cry. Lots of people in my life have meant a great deal to me and have no idea I suppose since I can't seem to say anything heartfelt without becoming so uncomfortable I have to vomit. This is where writing helps.

It's very strange to live with and love someone who is in touch with themselves. David is very honest about everything going on to himself and to everyone around him. I, on the other hand, am honest about it to myself but in total denial to all people who are interested or involved. I believe that I repressed these feelings for so long, that I either no longer feel them or that I can no long show an expression for them. I feel like I'm doing something wrong when I get excited about something or someone.

I've been thinking about it a lot since I have a wedding coming up. I HATE being the center of attention. It's hard enough to be open and honest about my feelings and will be even harder when people are watching. This is when inappropriate things are said. I make jokes when things are serious and laugh when things are not at all meant to be laughed about. It happens all too often at funerals. Maybe it's like a tick.

Sometimes this comes in handy. When I go to the doctors office and I am forced to be inches from another being, I say random things to them. Usually its a bad joke about what they are reading or why they are there or why I am there. We get to talking, I make up some random story about my life that is never true, tell them about the job I don't have and the life I don't live and the I go into my room for my check up. As long as I know the conversation will be short and sweet and I don't feel compelled to be honest about what's going on in my actual life, I'm grand. I thought maybe it was a confidence thing at first, but I really don't think that's it anymore. I've come to the conclusion (for now) that I really hate peoples input on how I should do things. I rarely ever take advice from anyone anymore. For the longest time I would take advice from everyone who offered and all it got me into was a hole I couldn't get out of. When I talk to people and tell them how hard it is to pay the bills, or get things done, or how I feel like I should go back to school or whatever the case may be... I'm just bitching. I don't want advice. I don't want you to tell me how you would do it differently. I just want a simple "well, that sucks." I avoid telling people things that are going on in life so that I can avoid the advice.

I'm just rambling now. I don't know why I started writing, or what I'm writing about... so it's time to get off. Thank you and goodnight.